I am shocked this only has 7 comments. Caro this was nuts. Thank you for bringing her into my life. Conception, Planning, Execution has already changed my life on how to communicate this to my husband. I just listened. I can't wait 2 years to implement this in my lifeeeeee
I recently was gifted the deck and book by Eve herself (through a very random Facebook interaction - a cousin of hers lives in my neighborhood!) and can’t wait to listen to this and then dive in!
I think 2 issues come into play... 1. Is it a preference? For example, that you like things done a specific way (like folding pants in a certain way) or 2. Does your partner just need more practice?
For preferences, you have to decide how important it is to you and if it's worth showing your partner how you like it done and asking if they agree (maybe explaining if there's a reason you like your pants folded in that particular way). Or you might decide it's more important to you that your partner participates in household chores equally whether or not they do things exactly the way you like them. He might have his own preferences and reasons for them, which we have to be willing to compromise. It goes both ways.
Most situations I think fall in the latter category though of men just being less experienced in these areas (or of course it could be weaponized incompetence, but I think we often jump to that too quickly before giving men the benefit of the doubt that they just aren't very good at it - YET). Again, I ask myself how important is it that things are done perfectly right away versus giving my partner time to improve his skill. If the dishes aren't clean because he didn't load the dishwasher very well or scrub very well, eventually, theoretically, he will get tired of it as well when he pulls a dirty dish out of the cupboard. Or if he doesn't get to that point, you may need to directly address it: "Hey, I noticed the dishes don't seem to be getting clean in the dishwasher. Can I show you the way I load it to see if that helps?"
It can be rough in the short-term, but it's nothing compared to spending the next 20 years doing all the things because your partner just "isn't very good at those things."
This is such a thoughtful and helpful answer - thank you so much!! You’re totally right - my husband absolutely could do all these things perfectly fine, I am just so used to doing them that it actually stresses me out when he cooks dinner and it’s different than i would have done it, or packs the diaper bag differently, etc. 😅 it’s definitely a me thing, not a him thing! Probably something to discuss in therapy 😆 but absolutely going to try breaking the deck out soon!
I love fair play! I found it so useful for myself and my clients that I just got certified in it by Eve's organization. If anyone has a detailed question, feel free to DM me.
Hi! Question: In the podcast Eve mentioned that there are checklists we can use in support of the deck. I can't find these anywhere. Any idea where they can be found?
Bought the deck after this podcast and just for shits&gigs decided to go through and (trying to be as honest/fair as possible) put what was on my plate vs my partners… no wonder I’ve been feeling overwhelmed 😵💫… ready to sit & have this convo soon!
This sounds like an amazing and very useful tool. So many women complain that when they're in a relationship they're exhausted. And I think many of us tend to just glide into these roles because they're so ingrained. Thank you for this, Caroline!
So glad to see this podcast episode and can’t wait to listen! My girlfriends and I have had many discussions about this and I recently bought the Fair Play book. I haven’t cracked it open yet but I’m excited to listen to this episode as a good intro to the book!
I am shocked this only has 7 comments. Caro this was nuts. Thank you for bringing her into my life. Conception, Planning, Execution has already changed my life on how to communicate this to my husband. I just listened. I can't wait 2 years to implement this in my lifeeeeee
I recently was gifted the deck and book by Eve herself (through a very random Facebook interaction - a cousin of hers lives in my neighborhood!) and can’t wait to listen to this and then dive in!
I have the Fair Play deck but haven’t used it yet - loved this convo!
Asking for a friend (ahem) - how are people *actually* letting go of control and having their partner do things without micromanaging?!
I think 2 issues come into play... 1. Is it a preference? For example, that you like things done a specific way (like folding pants in a certain way) or 2. Does your partner just need more practice?
For preferences, you have to decide how important it is to you and if it's worth showing your partner how you like it done and asking if they agree (maybe explaining if there's a reason you like your pants folded in that particular way). Or you might decide it's more important to you that your partner participates in household chores equally whether or not they do things exactly the way you like them. He might have his own preferences and reasons for them, which we have to be willing to compromise. It goes both ways.
Most situations I think fall in the latter category though of men just being less experienced in these areas (or of course it could be weaponized incompetence, but I think we often jump to that too quickly before giving men the benefit of the doubt that they just aren't very good at it - YET). Again, I ask myself how important is it that things are done perfectly right away versus giving my partner time to improve his skill. If the dishes aren't clean because he didn't load the dishwasher very well or scrub very well, eventually, theoretically, he will get tired of it as well when he pulls a dirty dish out of the cupboard. Or if he doesn't get to that point, you may need to directly address it: "Hey, I noticed the dishes don't seem to be getting clean in the dishwasher. Can I show you the way I load it to see if that helps?"
It can be rough in the short-term, but it's nothing compared to spending the next 20 years doing all the things because your partner just "isn't very good at those things."
This is such a thoughtful and helpful answer - thank you so much!! You’re totally right - my husband absolutely could do all these things perfectly fine, I am just so used to doing them that it actually stresses me out when he cooks dinner and it’s different than i would have done it, or packs the diaper bag differently, etc. 😅 it’s definitely a me thing, not a him thing! Probably something to discuss in therapy 😆 but absolutely going to try breaking the deck out soon!
I love fair play! I found it so useful for myself and my clients that I just got certified in it by Eve's organization. If anyone has a detailed question, feel free to DM me.
Hi! Question: In the podcast Eve mentioned that there are checklists we can use in support of the deck. I can't find these anywhere. Any idea where they can be found?
Bought the deck after this podcast and just for shits&gigs decided to go through and (trying to be as honest/fair as possible) put what was on my plate vs my partners… no wonder I’ve been feeling overwhelmed 😵💫… ready to sit & have this convo soon!
Please share how!! Haha
The fair play approach was such a big important mindset shift in my house. Love hearing Eve talk about it.
I loved this episode. It was so good.
This sounds like an amazing and very useful tool. So many women complain that when they're in a relationship they're exhausted. And I think many of us tend to just glide into these roles because they're so ingrained. Thank you for this, Caroline!
So glad to see this podcast episode and can’t wait to listen! My girlfriends and I have had many discussions about this and I recently bought the Fair Play book. I haven’t cracked it open yet but I’m excited to listen to this episode as a good intro to the book!
Looking forward to listening in to this, it’s a subject that comes up A lot in my household!